running on emptiness

Part of me wants to be magnamanious and let go, while the other part secretly craves to keep it for myself. What do you do then? It's like playing a tug-of-war with myself knowing full well, in the end, the one that falls will still be me. Can I be selfish then? But when I do, I feel bad about it. And yet generosity doesn't feel great all the time.

The complexities of the situation is giving me a headache.

I've finally done it.

Told some friends about the existence of this ranting place of mine and it seems this showcase the other side of me. Seriously, I'm still contemplating whether that was the right thing to do. Not because I'm afraid they will do anything but if you knew me years back, I'm not even half as open as I am today. I always thought I've changed but I guess this really forced me to reflect and realised otherwise.

I worry too about justifying my actions, feelings and behaviours. Would I come across as a hypocrite? I tell someone not to be affected by something, and yet put in the same circumstances, I find difficulty in doing what I say?

Would people look at me differently?

At the end of the day, I think the issue lies in needing the acceptance of people. The need to be strong. The need to be private.

But God teaches otherwise right?

Have decided to give this blog thing another go since the other one should give way, seeing how the wedding is already over. Gave it a whole new overhaul and I must admit, I'm rather happy with it despite having to make sense of the html code.

Will see how long this thing will last this time round.