running on emptiness

Head here instead.

It got me thinking when I learnt yesterday that a particular someone (whom I shall use "he" for the purpose of reference) had not been joining us for lunch for these past few days because of some comments that were made. Honestly, there were always laughs and comments at his expense, not because we knew he could take it, but maybe because he was easier to tease. I don't know if the things that were said were meant in jest or complete jokes. There were teasing about him using MSN during, coming in late and not being very well equipped between the ears. The first 2 were true. I've seen it for myself but maybe it got a little too far for him. I don't know what other comments were made but he said something about "final straw" to someone.

I wonder if I played a part? I didn't crack the jokes or teased him but I admit I laughed readily along. I didn't defend him because I thought those things were factual anyway.

Now he's leaving and what he said made me reflect on my own behaviour. I don't intentionally hurt anyone but I am still doing so, albeit in an indirect way. I always think maintaining a godly stand and exhibiting worthy behaviour are the hardest in a work context. It's so easy to want to blend in, to think it's a harmless thing, to laugh at jokes (that are funny but aren't that nice) without thinking of the testimony I'm sending out.

But it's so difficult to draw the line clearly. Or is it not?

Is this all there is to it? Is this what people have been looking forward to? The sense of disappointment and apathy is slowly starting to creep up, and as much as I've been trying to keep them at bay, I think I'm losing the battle. Should I say anything? Is it as much as my fault that I kept silent? How was I to say anything when I can't even sort out my feelings about this.

I feel alone, and I don't know why.

Part of me wants to be magnamanious and let go, while the other part secretly craves to keep it for myself. What do you do then? It's like playing a tug-of-war with myself knowing full well, in the end, the one that falls will still be me. Can I be selfish then? But when I do, I feel bad about it. And yet generosity doesn't feel great all the time.

The complexities of the situation is giving me a headache.

I've finally done it.

Told some friends about the existence of this ranting place of mine and it seems this showcase the other side of me. Seriously, I'm still contemplating whether that was the right thing to do. Not because I'm afraid they will do anything but if you knew me years back, I'm not even half as open as I am today. I always thought I've changed but I guess this really forced me to reflect and realised otherwise.

I worry too about justifying my actions, feelings and behaviours. Would I come across as a hypocrite? I tell someone not to be affected by something, and yet put in the same circumstances, I find difficulty in doing what I say?

Would people look at me differently?

At the end of the day, I think the issue lies in needing the acceptance of people. The need to be strong. The need to be private.

But God teaches otherwise right?

Have decided to give this blog thing another go since the other one should give way, seeing how the wedding is already over. Gave it a whole new overhaul and I must admit, I'm rather happy with it despite having to make sense of the html code.

Will see how long this thing will last this time round.

How do you get over friends who no longer see you as one? How do you get over the fact that the meet-ups no longer include you? How much do you see as your fault and how much of theirs?

I tried. Not too many times, I admit. But I tried. At least I thought I did, but maybe they didn't think so. Everytime I tried to arrange for something, someone won't be able to make it and yet, when they do, I'm not involved. I know I sound petty but I'm not. It's just the sore ache in the heart that refuses to go away when I think about it. Coupled with everything else that had happened recently, it just adds on to it.

Should I then stop trying? I think I will. There's seems little point in prolonging a romanceless relationship.

___________________

Have been toying with the idea of making this blog public but I've seen examples of how some have to regulate themselves with their feelings and emotions, because they're careful of who's reading their blog.

Anyway, what's my objective of telling them? So that I can comment on them on the blog, and they will indirectly know? So that I get sympathy? Maybe just so they can be updated without having to meet up. Maybe that's my way of staying in touch with my friends?

It's been a long time since I blogged here. Not that everything is fine and dandy, but I was trying to balance having two blogs at the same time. Just like a mother with two children, I guess I was practising favouritism. It did cross my mind to merge the two together, but perhaps not now.

I realised that when someone says or does unpleasant to me, and especially when it affected me a lot, it's a little difficult to not to let the prior experience affect or mar whatever the person says in the future. It's like you're just healing from the wound, and then the person just throw some salt in it again. Maybe the person did not intentionally throw it at you, but it's difficult to stop the wound from hurting anyway.

Does it all make sense?